Fictional!
by PurpleZebrasAndPinkElephants
Summary: What would you do if you had the chance to kidnap some Cullens? Some wolves? Even some Volturi? And you had help from the inside? Silly little one-shot.
1. FICTION!

Hey, fellow fan fictioners! I'm alwayspenombra, one of the three authors of the joint account PurpleZebrasAndPinkElephants. This is a silly little one-shot the three of us really wanted to write, so I decided to do it but post it as all of ours. After all, they did give me the ideas. Anyway, this one-shot is more for our own enjoyment, mostly because it has a lot of inside jokes and such, but that's not to say you can't follow along and enjoy it, too!

Here's a quick note:

This story contains four people you **do not** know. (Unless you're one of the four of us) Those four are Katie, Learyn, Arelis, and Author (Me! I like to remain inconspicuous.) Katie and Learyn are infamous for fighting with each other. Learyn and Katie both have evil sides. Arelis is known for her huge crush on Taylor Lautner, as well as her sensitivity to being called "Mexican". (She's Puerto Rican.) And me, well, I like to remain inconspicuous.

Enjoy! And give us reviews and you'll get a virtual cookie!

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**Unknown POV**

"The invitations came in today," I murmured through the phone.

"Good, good," The female voice on the other end answered. "And they're leaving tonight?"

I nodded as I spoke. "Yes, we'll be in Europe by eleven and Paris by five."

"Have fun _shopping_," The voice said, a smile easily heard through her words.

I smirked. "We will," I said, my tone light and teasing. Suddenly, I frowned and my voice became thick with worry and tension. "No harm comes to any of them," I warned.

The voice chuckled. "Don't worry. No one _here_ would ever hurt them."

"Good, I'm just a bit nerv--"

"Hurry up in there! We're gonna be late!" A high pitched voice screamed from downstairs.

"I have to go. Good luck and don't touch--"

"Come _on_!"

I chuckled at her impatience and hung up the phone. "Coming, Alice..."

**Author's POV**

It was promptly six o' clock when the first "guests" showed up at the convention center. Arelis and Katie ran in from their look-out posts outside, taking their assigned positions at the door. Much to my friend Learyn's delight, Caius waltzed in casually, glancing around the large white room with suspicious eyes. The room held over twenty fold-out chairs, each with a name card hanging on the back of each one. Black, red, and white banners hung all over the room, each sporting some sort of Twilight quote. I could see from the flash of approval in his eyes that he liked the one that Learyn put up. It read: _Bite ME, Caius. _

Speaking of her, the moment Caius walked in, Learyn began to run towards him. Catching my warning glance, she slowed down to a walk as she introduced herself and ushered him to his assigned seat in the back row. He sat, a little grudgingly, and turned his gaze to the door as nine huge, russet-skinned guys walked in, followed by one girl.

Katie glared at the arrivals as she rushed over to me. "Why is _Leah_ here?!" She whispered angrily, gesturing towards Leah, who was being led to a seat near the other Quileute wolves.

"I don't know, but she won't be here long," I assured her.

"Good," Katie spat through clenched teeth as she went back towards where Arelis was hovering over the wolves. "I want me some Seth..." I heard Katie mumble.

"Only the Cullens are left..." Learyn told me, suddenly appearing by my side with her infamous Grinch-like grin plastered on her face.

"Stop smiling like that," I said. "You'll creep them out."

"Yes,_ mother_," Learyn teased, her grin never faltering.

"And since you love your mommy so much, how about you do me a favor and get rid of Leah somehow," I suggested.

Learyn glanced towards Leah, then over at Arelis and Katie, both of whom were glaring in her direction. "I'll do what I can," she said.

"Don't hurt her," I warned. That was part of the agreement. No one gets hurt. We'd all be dead if we didn't follow that simple rule.

"Fine..." Learyn grumbled as she sauntered over to where Leah sat. I watched from my position in the corner as she spoke quickly to Leah, who looked ecstatic to have a reason to get away and followed Learyn through the back door all too willingly.

**Leah's POV**

I wanted to be _anywhere_ but here. Anywhere at all.

So when the girl with the creepy smile came over and asked for some help unloading waffles from the truck in the back, I didn't think twice about it. I immediately jumped up and followed her out the back door.

"So...where's this waffle truck?" I asked, looking around at the empty back lawn.

When the only answer was a shuffling of feet, I turned around just as I was grabbed and thrust into a big, black dog carrier. "What the hell!?" I screeched at the girl.

I watched through the bars of the locked carrier as she smirked and walked back inside.

**Author's POV**

When Learyn came skipping back in, I could tell she'd taken care of Leah in a way that satisfied her...at least for now. I was a little scared by how happy she suddenly seemed, for both myself and everyone in her vicinity, but she wasn't the only one acting a little odd. Arelis was also super bubbly, a very rare occurence for her. Something about super-hot Twilight guys in the room just makes everyone happy...

**Carlisle's POV**

"_This_ is the convention center?" Emmett asked, eyeing the small building doubtfully.

"That's what the invitation says..." I told him, shrugging. I wasn't even sure what a "Twilight" convention was. I just knew that the invitation we received in the mail said we were special guests of honor. And I like to be honored.

"I have a bad feeling about this place," Jasper said. "I can feel so much...energy from inside."

"Good or bad energy?" Rosalie asked. She hadn't really been invited, but she refused to let Emmett come to an unknown convention without her. Who knows who he could run into without her there?

"Well, there's a lot of happiness...excitement...nervousness...contentment...and...anger."

I turned to my oldest son. "Edward?"

"I think...I think the wolves are in there," He said, his eyebrows scrunching together.

"Wouldn't we _smell_ them?" Rosalie sniped.

"Apparently not," Edward said, his nostrils flaring with annoyance. "They _are _in there. I can hear their thoughts."

"What could they possibly be doing here?" Jasper asked.

I took a step forward. "We're about to find out..."

**Jacob's POV**

"Where'd my sister go?" Seth asked, gazing at the back door.

"Don't know and don't care," I stated firmly. "She didn't want to be here anyway. I say good riddance."

Seth's eyebrows bunched together nervously, but he said no more.

Just then, as if the red-eyed bloodsucker's scent wasn't bad enough, the pack was hit with five nauseatingly familiar scents as Doc Cullen and his "kids" came in through the front doors.

"What the hell is this, a vamp club?" I heard Paul grumble to Jared.

"Paul..." Sam warned and Paul tensed for a moment, then relaxed, though his nose wrinkled with disgust.

"Don't blame him, Sam," I said. "It's a natural reaction to leeches."

I returned my gaze to the door where the four creepy girls who were running the convention hovered over the Cullens. The Mexican-looking one, I think her name was Arelis, actually looked a little bored. I found that funny, so I smirked. I must've caught her eye, because she suddenly turned to look at me, her deep brown eyes sparkling mischeviously.

The other three girls, all blondes, were still hovering as Arelis walked over to the light switch panel on the wall. She was still gazing at me as she called out, "Yo! Welcome to the first official Twilight convention!"

And when she flipped all the switches at once, the doors and windows were engulfed in a metal covering, blocking out the sunlight, and leaving the room pitch black.

**Author's POV**

She was supposed to wait until we were all ready. Did I give her the signal? No.

And the lights were not supposed to go off _at all_. Now, everyone's going to have to stumble around blindly to find who they're after. Nice job, Arelis.

I had to find the light switch.

I listened quietly to the voices of the room, hoping Arelis hadn't moved too far from where she'd been last.

"Oh, Taylor..." That would be Arelis. But...who's Taylor?

I heard a thud, then the sound of someone being dragged across the floor, and finally, the slamming of a closet door. Arelis could no longer be heard.

But I could hear the frantic running of several people in the room. I heard Learyn's, "Bwahaha!", followed by another thud. Then Katie's, "Sethie-poo!"

I tried to ignore the noises around me from then on and concentrate on finding some light. I felt around for awhile, walking forward, until I finally ran into a wall. I followed along the wall for quite some time until I finally felt a light switch...

...and when I flipped the switch on...

I found an utterly stupifying sight before my eyes.

Learyn was on the ground, tying a large, purple sack that three figures could be seen squirming around in. I could hear Caius, Embry, and Jasper's struggles from within the sack, along with hisses, growls, and howls. Learyn glanced up at me for a moment, giving me a her Grinch-grin, then resumed tying the bag.

Across the room, Katie had Edward in a backpack that she carried on her back as she chased Seth around the room with a butterfly net.

Arelis was no where to be found.

**Alice's POV**

"Oh! Look! This is it!" I cried, putting away the little invitation I'd received in the mail. "This is where the shopping convention is! Isn't the little igloo adorable!?"

"Um, Alice..." Bella started, staring at the igloo doubtfully. "First of all, there's no way a shopping convention can fit into _that_ thing. And, second, we're in Paris...Igloos don't belong in Paris, Alice."

I stared at the cute little igloo. It was small, but it was surely big enough to house as few shopping carts. Bella just had to be wrong.

"I think the idea of an arctic themed shopping convention is brilliant," Esme commented. "Let's take a look inside, shall we?"

I hopped up and down excitedly. "Yay! Shopping!"

Bella grimaced but followed after Esme and I as we began walking. The very second I stepped into the entrance, my eyes glazed over and the oddest scene unfolded before my very eyes.

_There were two girls, each carrying a backpack or sack of some kind with squirming figures inside. The girls were yelling at each other when, suddenly, the short one ripped open the other one's bag and Jasper, Embry and Caius rolled out..._

"They're stealing our men!" I cried out, grasping Esme and Bella by the arms. "We have to stop them!"

"Alice, what are you talking about?" Bella asked, looking at me as if questioning my sanity.

I ignored her, tightening my grip on both hers and Esme's arms as I ran towards our rental car. "Those stupid girls...if they think for even a second that I will let them take my man, they are sadly mistaken..."

**Jasper's POV**

How did I end up inside a bag? And with a Volturi and a dog? I'm a vampire! I should be able to get out of this sack. Yet, somehow it's impenetrable…

"Learyn! You can't have Jasper! He's mine!"

"No! I want his lemony-goodness!"

Lemony-goodness? Just when I thought those girls couldn't get any weirder.

"I need Jasper for my collection!"

"Go get Emmett! Leave my Jazzie alone!"

"I couldn't if I wanted to! Just give me Jasper!"

"NEVER!"

"Fine, then. I'll take him!"

"Katie, no!"

I heard a loud, tearing noise, then I was blinded by light. I was free!

**Jared's POV**

"Why don't any of them want us?" I asked Paul.

"They're leech-lovers," he said, his nose wrinkling.

"But they have Jake, Embry, and Seth!"

"They're leech-lovers, too."

"Not Embry."

Paul stared at me for a minute. "So you haven't seen the magazines under his bed…"

**Emmett's POV**

Why didn't that Katie girl want me!? Why would no one kidnap me!? I've always wanted to be kidnapped!

I heard a step in my direction and looked up hopefully, only to hear a long, menacing hiss scare the footstepper away. Glancing up, I suddenly realized why no one was coming near me.

Rosalie was right behind me, crouched into attack position, hissing and glaring like a maniac.

**Author's POV**

I couldn't help but watch as Katie and Learyn fought over Jasper. It was too funny.

"I can't believe they're fighting over Jasper like that," I mumbled. "Can you, Carlisle?"

He shook his head, a little grin on his face as he watched the fight amusedly.

The second Learyn's sack was torn open, Embry and Jasper scrambled out, while Caius simply lie there, blinking. He was taking on a Marcus-like boredom.

Katie caught Jasper before he took off, while Embry ran to the far west wall, along with the rest of the wolves who hadn't been captured.

Instead of fighting her, Jasper merely sighed and stood beside Katie defeatedly.

"Jasper?" Katie asked in a fake sweet voice. "Wouldn't you much rather be with _me_?"

"Um…"

"No, Jasper!" Learyn screamed, grabbing Jasper and pulling him next to her, leaving a gap between where she and Katie stood. "Katie's unsanitary!"

Katie grabbed him and pulled him back, holding him protectively. "Learyn smells like garlic!"

"Hey! There's nothing wrong with that!" Learyn yelled.

Jasper eyed the two like the crazy people they were. I wished I had Edward's gift so badly. If only we knew what they were thinking…

"Katie licks feet!" Learyn screamed, taking possession of Jasper once again.

"I do not!" Katie cried, outraged. She grabbed Jasper. "Learyn eats—"

And then the doors busted open, revealing three figures. Well, two figures and a pixie.

**Jasper's POV**

There aren't words to say how grateful I was to see my pixie burst through those doors.

"YOU!" She screeched, pointing a slender, well-manicured finger at Katie. "GET YOUR GRUBBY HANDS OFF MY HUSBAND!"

"Alice, I…You see…And I…Well, umm…Ahhh!!!!" Katie screamed, running out the door as fast as her legs could carry her.

"GET BACK HERE, YOU TWO-INCH BABY-FACED HUSBAND STEALER!" Alice cried as she ran after her.

**Author's POV**

As soon as the doors were open, and Alice and Katie's little scene was over, a panic swept over the room as everyone struggled to get out. Learyn was shrieking as she tried to recapture Embry, who maneuvered between the crowd and out the door quickly.

The room was almost empty. The only one's left in it were Esme, Carlisle, Edward, Bella, Learyn, and I. I was receiving off looks from them all and followed their gaze to the way my arms were circled seemingly around mid-air.

"I'm protecting Charles!" I defended myself.

"Charles?" Carlisle asked.

"Her imaginary friend," Edward said.

"He's not imagin—HEY!"

Edward jumped, startled by my sudden scream.

"Oops, sorry. That was a little loud," I apologized. "But if you've been able to read minds this entire time, does that mean you've known what's going on?"

Edward nodded. "And who was behind it," he said, sending a glare towards Esme.

"Esme? You did this? I'm not sure what this is, but _you_ did it?" Bella asked, looking horrified.

"Well…"

**Learyn's POV**

I was too devastated to pay attention to Esme's explanation. I already knew the details. We'd called her to ask for her help in a little Twilight fun. She was a good sport and agreed, claiming it wouldn't hurt anyone. That was her condition, though. That no one get hurt. And no one touch Carlisle.

I stared at my torn, purple sack, the one I'd constructed especially for this blessed event, with a heavy heart. Jasper was gone. Embry was gone. Even Caius, who I really did think would stay for at least a little while, left, claiming he had an important death to attend.

I wish I had an important death to attend…

**Author's POV**

"Well, I suppose we should leave," Esme said. "We need to focus on locating Jasper, Alice, Emmett, and Rose. Who knows where they've fled to."

"They gave us all quite a scare," Carlisle admitted.

"Before you go, I have to show Edward something," I told them.

"What?" Edward asked.

"You're the mind reader," I pointed out. "You tell me."

Edward's eyebrows furrowed with confusion. "He can't possibly—"

"Well, he is! Charles is REAL! Look!" I held out my hand, revealing a tiny little blue man standing on my palm, waving up at everyone. I noticed he was grinning like Learyn. Weird.

**Katie's POV**

"YOU CAN RUN BUT YOU CAN'T HIDE!" Alice screamed from behind me.

"Oh, yeah?" I said, turning around to face her. I quickly covered my eyes with my hands. "Try to find me, now!"

**Learyn's POV**

Why can't I have a fictional character???

**Author's POV**

"Learyn! Learyn, no! Stop, Learyn! Edward has to leave!" I yelled, struggling to keep Learyn from chasing after Edward, Bella, Esme, and Carlisle.

"FICTIONAL! SO FICTIONAL! I WANT FICTION!_ FICTION!_" Learyn sobbed, reaching out for Edward.

"No, Learyn. It's over. Let it go."

Learyn suddenly froze. "Is that…Is that Edward? EDWARD!"

I couldn't stop her from leaping away from me and out the doors. I had no idea where she was going; I'd seen Edward go the other way.

**Alice's POV**

"Where'd that little filth nugget go…" I mumbled to myself. "She was _just_ right in front of me!"

**Learyn's POV**

I saw him! I saw Edward!

"EDWARD! FICTIONAL!" I screamed, grabbing his hand and dragging him back to the "convention" building.

"Lady, I'm not—"

**Author's POV**

I stood by myself in the convention room for awhile by myself, wondering where my friends went. About five minutes after Learyn left, though, Katie arrived, mumbling to herself, "Beats 'em every time…"

Then, Learyn came running in dragging…Robert Pattinson?

"Look! I've got him! I've got Edward! I found him! _Fiction_!" Learyn squealed gleefully.

"Learyn, that's not Edward. That's—"

"ROB PATTINSON!" Katie screamed, her eyes locking with Rob's, glaring furiously at him.

"Your not fictional?" Learyn asked Rob.

"No, but I'm, uh, gonna leave before your friend over there kills me…"

"GET BACK HERE ROBERT! I'M GONNA MURDER YOU!" Katie threatened, running out the door and after Rob.

**Learyn's POV**

No fictional people for me.

**Arelis's POV**

"After all my years of waiting to get you in a closet alone…" I mumbled.

"Who _are_ you!?!"

"Don't worry, Taylor. I—"

"_Why do you keep calling me Taylor!?_"

I froze. "You mean, you're not Taylor Lautner?"

"NO! I'm JACOB! Jacob BLACK!"

I fell to my knees. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

**Author's POV**

Well, Katie was gone again. But Learyn was back. Yet, Arelis was nowhere to be found…

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" I heard a shrill voice cry.

Suddenly, a closet door opened and Jacob Black came flying through the air…

And Arelis could be seen sobbing on her knees.

"Arelis, are you okay?" I asked, kneeling next to her.

"YES, FICTIONAL!" I heard Learyn scream.

**Learyn's POV**

I had almost given up hope. I was so close to accepting that I would never get a fictional guy…

And then one landed in my arms.

"Are you fictional?" I asked, staring hopefully at the face of Jacob Black.

He nodded and I felt a burst of happiness.

"YES, FICTIONAL!"

**Author's POV**

"Where is Katie?" Arelis asked.

"Oh, long story short: Learyn brought Rob Pattinson here thinking he was Edward, Katie went off to kill him."

"WHAT!? She's going to KILL him?" Arelis asked, horrified.

"That's what she said…"

"I must stop her!" Arelis cried out, jumping up and racing out the door.

**Katie's POV**

"RUN, ROBERT, RUN!" I laughed maniacally, chasing after him with a pitchfork.

Suddenly, a figure stood in my way.

"Ha! I found you, you sleezy fleabag! No one can escape the pixie!"

**Rob's POV**

What is wrong with that girl!?

"YO! Where can I find Taylor Lautner!? ANSWER ME! STOP RUNNING!" A different voice called out.

I turned around to find that the Katie girl was no longer chasing me, but now a Mexican-looking girl was.

"Please, take anything you want! Just don't hurt me!" I pleaded. "I have no quarrel with the Mexicans!"

"I'll only hurt you if—I'M NOT MEXICAN, DAMMIT! I'M PUERTO RICAN!"

And suddenly I was airborne.

**Author's POV**

Learyn was cuddling Jacob, looking through a magazine to decide which dog toys and accessories to buy for when he goes wolf, when a figure came flying at us, landing face first on the ground.

"EDWARD!"

**Rob's POV**

Ow.

"EDWARD!"

I recognized that voice…

"I FOUND HIM!"

"I'M NOT EDWARD!" I screamed, jumping up and running away from that psychopath.

I didn't make it far before I collapsed.

**Author's POV**

"Learyn, relax. That was Rob. Again," I told her, trying to get her to calm down.

I finally gave up. "She's your owner," I said to Jacob. "You comfort her."

"Learyn, wanna go for a walk?" Jacob asked her.

She nodded and let him lead her out the door.

Just then, my phone vibrated.

I got a text from Arelis:

**ON PLANE. FLEEING TO ICELAND.**

**KIDNAPPED TAYLOR.**

**TALK LATER. BYE.**

**Katie's POV**

"How do you keep disappearing like that!?" Alice screamed.

I didn't answer. I simply kept my hands over my eyes and kept running.

**Learyn's POV**

My fictional Jacob and I were walking when all of a sudden I spotted him, collapsed on the ground.

"EDWARD!"

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Hmm...as the author, I feel like I've forgotten something...


	2. Oh, yeah

**Leah's POV**

"Hello? HELLO! Someone let me out!"

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_I knew I'd forgotten something..._


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